Why ASP Avoids You, and Learn the Golden Rule

This may be hard to hear, but chances are, he’s avoiding you from fear of what you might say or do. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong. What I’ve learned is that perfectly normal behavior on the part of the NT can be terrifying for the AS. This is just the nature of the different brain types. I’ve also learned that the NT is better equipped to figure out the problems and set the example to make things better.

So my suggestion to you is to find out what your ASP is afraid of. Is it sarcasm? Do you get emotional with him? (Scary to an ASP). Do you threaten him or bully him out of frustration because nothing else has worked? I did all of these things and worse. I had to really take a look at myself from my ASP’s point of view and stop the behaviors that made him want to avoid me. Instead, I had to learn to remain calm and to treat him with the same kindness I wanted in return. Aspies go through so much abuse trying to get along in the world that they really need a safe place while at home. I learned that I would only be allowed to share that safe place with him if I proved to him that *I* was safe and that he had nothing to fear from me. This took a few months of unnatural behavior on my part, but the rewards have been worth every difficult moment along the way.

Like any marriage, It’s an ongoing journey. I just found out yesterday that he’s been hiding his stress from me, which led to the first meltdown he’s had in ages, and I realized that I’ve been unkind to him lately because of my own stress. I’ve been expecting too much from him, I’ve been expecting him to handle things well when I haven’t been. His meltdown was a (horrible) cry for help, but it’s put me back on the right path of expecting no more from him than I can give myself. I must treat him how I want to be treated, which means learning his fears and being careful of them, just like I want him to do for me.

It’s the golden rule: treat him the way you want to be treated, and soon, you’ll have again the man with whom you fell in love.

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5 thoughts on “Why ASP Avoids You, and Learn the Golden Rule

  1. How can you get to this point when he avoids you by never coming home? We moved in together about a year ago and went through almost a year of hard times. He looked up his ex on facebook (we had a rough past before dating and looking her up was the most hurtful thing for me) and I cried for weeks and was mad at him for this while he begged and pleaded that it meant nothing and has nothing but love for me. I refused to listen, fought him on everything, said awful things (I don’t love you, I want to break up, etc.), and didn’t want to be around him which led to him going on dating sites which I later found out about and his reason was because he just needed someone to talk to because I wouldn’t talk to him (he doesn’t really have friends). My behavior got more out of control because why would he tell me everyday he loves me and do everything for me, yet hurt me like he did? I didn’t understand any of it so I pushed him away. About a week after I found out about the dating site he even told me we should get married (I knew he was very serious and sincere about it) and I said no because why would I marry someone who went on dating sites? I flipped out and said no, even though all I’ve ever wanted was to marry him. For months we were fighting and I was crying and depressed in bed all the time and everyday he told me he loved me and tried to do anything to make me happy, but I refused to just listen and trust him and I wish I had. We went to couples therapy twice, but I didn’t want to go anymore because I didn’t think he was qualified for our problems. I then started going to my own therapist. It’s been hard, but after months of therapy it just kind of clicked that the past doesn’t matter. I can’t keep dwelling on the past even though it hurt me so incredibly much. Around two months ago things seemed to be getting better, or so I thought. He would stop texting me on breaks at work (we normally text every chance we get just because we love talking to each other) and I started to question why all the time and he never had an answer. One day when he didn’t text me on break I asked if it was because he didn’t want to be with me anymore and I got the response of “I don’t know anymore…” I mentioned that I thought we were doing better because we weren’t fighting and he said he didn’t think so which I wasn’t expecting to hear. This followed with about 3 weeks of him not really texting me which drove me insane. During those weeks there were 2 times when he completely shut down when I confronted him about our issues. He has never shut down before where he just stops talking. Then one day I just needed an answer for why he was avoiding me and it took him about 20 minutes to tell me because I knew he was just scared. And he broke down and told me he could never be happy because of our past, our financial issues, and was considering moving back home. At this point I said every positive thing I could because I felt he was just confused and hurt and hopeless because he’s tried and tried and it didn’t fix anything. After he told me he completely shut down and wouldn’t say anymore. And he didn’t talk to me for 10 days and it killed me inside because this was coming from someone who couldn’t go a couple hours without talking to me. He would go to the bars everyday after work and come home drunk and just go to bed right away. It killed me to see him like that. One day I just asked him a question about something and he answered. We ended up watching TV together and just talking a bit. From there I knew to take it slow and not text him or expect too much. That whole week he came home and we talked about normal things (nothing to do with our relationship) and we had fun together. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal. Then something on TV triggered me and I opened my mouth about how I didn’t want to watch it because of what it was about and I brought up something that he does that hurts me and he shut down again. It’s been 2 weeks and he started going to the bars again and thankfully has been going to his parents house to talk to his mom instead of going out drinking. He leaves the house right before I come home just so he doesn’t have to be around me. It’s so painful and so obvious that he wants nothing to do with me. We have exchanged a few words here and there, but other than that he isn’t home and sleeps on the couch. How long can this go on before it gets better? I believe the more he is away and avoiding me the more he is just going to think about how our relationship isn’t working. I’m trying to focus on myself and be positive, but I feel like I constantly have to say something to him to make him understand.

    • Michelle,

      I am so sorry that I didn’t respond to this when you wrote it. I had messed up my blog settings and didn’t know I had any comments.

      Are you still with your ASP? Did you get married?

      I want you to know that I can tell from your post that your ASP really loves you. You seem to understand his need to withdraw in response to his anxiety.

      You also seem to know why he has retreated so far away: your expression of negative emotions. You have every right to express yourself, but if you want to have a good relationship with your ASP, he has to trust you before you can lean on him emotionally. He has to know that, no matter what you say when you’re upset, you will always love him and never leave him.

      You have a lot of distrust to overcome (on both sides). You being vocally upset about his failures makes him feel, well, like a failure. Aspies are very afraid of failure. You have to show him that, in your eyes, he’s a success. He won your heart, didn’t he?

      As to your original situation, his extreme withdrawal means he was hurt badly. Just like any other injury, it takes time and TLC to make it better, probably months. Just make sure that every interaction you have with him is as calm, gentle, and loving as you can make it. He’ll want more of this and will start spending time with you again.

  2. Hello,

    I appreciate your response. We ended up breaking up in September 2015. After that we did not see each other for 6 months with many emotional texts in between. Since then, it’s been back and forth. Nothing has been consistent and I feel like I have tried everything possible.

    I’m emotionally drained, suffered with depression, and at a complete loss. He will lead me on for a few days and then disappear. He’s said he wants to be together, but won’t be with me. Last February we actually “officially” dated again, but a month later I broke it off due to his behaviors. I can’t call someone my boyfriend who doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t see me, etc.

    It’s hard for me to move on (not that I want to..) when he won’t just tell me it’s over. He leaves everything opened ended. We saw each other last weekend for the first time in a couple months and since then won’t talk to me.

    I feel there is nothing I can say or do that will change anything. I would do anything for this to work, but it’s impossible when he will not let me in his life. I don’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, etc.

    I still can’t wrap my head around his actions. How can you love someone yet not talk to them, not see them, not let them apart of your life?

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