Why ASP Avoids You, and Learn the Golden Rule

This may be hard to hear, but chances are, he’s avoiding you from fear of what you might say or do. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong. What I’ve learned is that perfectly normal behavior on the part of the NT can be terrifying for the AS. This is just the nature of the different brain types. I’ve also learned that the NT is better equipped to figure out the problems and set the example to make things better.

So my suggestion to you is to find out what your ASP is afraid of. Is it sarcasm? Do you get emotional with him? (Scary to an ASP). Do you threaten him or bully him out of frustration because nothing else has worked? I did all of these things and worse. I had to really take a look at myself from my ASP’s point of view and stop the behaviors that made him want to avoid me. Instead, I had to learn to remain calm and to treat him with the same kindness I wanted in return. Aspies go through so much abuse trying to get along in the world that they really need a safe place while at home. I learned that I would only be allowed to share that safe place with him if I proved to him that *I* was safe and that he had nothing to fear from me. This took a few months of unnatural behavior on my part, but the rewards have been worth every difficult moment along the way.

Like any marriage, It’s an ongoing journey. I just found out yesterday that he’s been hiding his stress from me, which led to the first meltdown he’s had in ages, and I realized that I’ve been unkind to him lately because of my own stress. I’ve been expecting too much from him, I’ve been expecting him to handle things well when I haven’t been. His meltdown was a (horrible) cry for help, but it’s put me back on the right path of expecting no more from him than I can give myself. I must treat him how I want to be treated, which means learning his fears and being careful of them, just like I want him to do for me.

It’s the golden rule: treat him the way you want to be treated, and soon, you’ll have again the man with whom you fell in love.

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